it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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