Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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