He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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