her vagine was all disorganized.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
