In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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