You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
