someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
