I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
