dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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