I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He did a backflip because drugs
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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