guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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