Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
