He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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