my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
