I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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