They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
