Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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