you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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