I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Send help, water and tortillas.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
