Already got asked if we're dating
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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