1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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