Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
