I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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