He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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