You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
