I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
