life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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