Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
