i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
