is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
