I accidentally burped into my bong.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
