First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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