If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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