Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
ttyl tear gas
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
