remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
