I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
