I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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