Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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