Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
