Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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