i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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