I cannot find my penis.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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