My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
