Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize