so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
