So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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