Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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