I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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