If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
its liver damage thursday
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
