youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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