bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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