Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
