I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
