If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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