i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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