i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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